my digital mood board
A project that captures you into a space of well being.
A 360 degree Journey. Cleansing & Nourishing you through Slow Movement, Healing Earth Friendly Potions & Healthy Food.....
February Spain 2016
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Where to begin? I have had this set up for quite sometime and I have been flirting with it in the land of fantasy for years!!. Worrying if I will be understood,whats my point?
So, what I have decided to do is just get on with it and learn this blog - web chat and how it works along the way.
How rude of me not to introduce myself, I am Katie. A 34 year old child, is basically what it feels like today. I have a daughter that is about to turn 3 next month & I am also 4 months pregnant. Its busy to say the least. So this little hub will be a place to share all my thoughts, plans and creative ideas about food, flowers, pixies and yoga that needs to take off rather than staying in my head, to be connected and inspired by you. I have heard snips and snaps of blogging for years and just go blank.
I am pregnant again and feel this is a good time to take this step forward and start making things happen and also a place to process. and share. My relationship has broken down and I am going to be a single parent of 2 little ones.
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Who will read it, How will they find it… anyway … time to just get on and see what unfolds.
I am a hippy at heart so technology is alien to me in so many ways however to be connected is also about moving with the times & also stretch even further afar. So I will sign off a Happy mummy with my toddler asleep ,& a little circle growing. and going to bed clean and sober. Now that is something I am grateful for!
Sparks x Sparkle x
With Love & wishes Starlet x
March London 2016
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It has taken a lot longer than I planned to write. Life has been incredibly full on and its taken me some time to process & digest.
Nearly 10 weeks to the day I excitedly went to my 20 weeks scan. My mother had flown in from Spain and surprised me. Ivy Pearl my little girl was 3 over the weekend so it was all so wonderfully timed.
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3 generations sat in the room looking at the screen relieved to hear the babies health, fingers, toes, no clef palate. Everything was perfect. Fascinated with the technology and information being read from the scan.
Then Kim the monographer began to speak, her face seemed different and then began explaining that she had noticed something that causes her concern.
Everything changed. The room darker. Kim seemed to appear different.
It felt like my heart had detached itself from me in desperation and fear of breaking.
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I have experienced pain. Loosing my brother was the darkest time of my life. Yet I had the opportunity to walk away from hard times with my family- and separate.
Yet today I couldn't. My little girl was curled up in side me and I could not help or have a moment of time to have space and digest. I whaled.....the pain and helplessness fell through without control. Like a lioness in the wild helpless to defend her cub.
My mum held Ivy close....... how could this be. How things can change.
The Katie I once knew before would have ran and searched for mass self destruction but I had my darling Ivy and my baby within in me. I needed to rain in and breath. Breath....inhaling through the nose and out through the nose.
I was told specialists could not see me till after the weekend. I had a faery Festival Birthday gathering for Ivys .
Thank heavens. This kept me busy.
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Tuesday I would find out what was wrong and what danger my baby was in.
Too be continued.....
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My 20 Weeks Scan Changed Everything
BT's Slogan 'Its good to talk' is so powerful.
Because it is true. When you release the heaviness all becomes diluted and lightness surrounds you.
Where I am right now does not allow me to pick up the phone.
I feel smashed and the vulnerability too raw. Therefore I will write it out.
My current situation with Ivy is to say the least difficult and I am finding it very challenging. When you hear that parenting is 'Life Changing' and 'Nothing Like Parenting'.
I foolishly went on fantasy. Thinking of Peter Pan and starry starry night.
Basically-Heaven and Hell.
The whirl between the 2 comes in so fast its as if a hurricane has spun you around and you are then on the yellow brick road.
I am exhausted. There is no time to recover. You fall and you are scooped up to the next pile of shit .. you trip , scooped up to another mountain to climb. You get to the top.....But you will have to come down to pick the child one up to join you.
I am not a smacker, I am more of a grab and firmly take creature to the location drop off and evacuate. I have stair gates and they are for the both of us.
Ivy is very long and slight so when I go to remove her its like chewing gum coming away from the sole of a shoe. She just keeps going. Like one of those rubber figures.
But tonight, after the constant yes.... no....yes vile tease from Ivy. Playing back and forth like a tennis ball....Her legs kicking. I smacked her bottom.
Mindful Parenting says to be the strong oak in the wind. Yet she's a hurricane and I am tornado. Both erupted and emotionally out of control.
No stability or support.
Total parenting fail.
I kept going back to make up. Thats what I always want. I need to remind myself that I am not being the confrontational one.
However many attempts. Wanting there to be also firm boundaries on inappropriate behaviour - its bed - goodnight.
The screaming...it goes on and on and on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is with a 3 year old.
So we finally made peace. I cried. I said this really upsets me and I will need to get help for bed time if this continues. A solution. Who do you want? I got her involved in the plan to help us both.
Ivys always says she wants to be a good girl in the middle of the crazy storm.
Which just ups the acid trip another level. I say'k then be a good girl'????
Believe me she is such a good girl in many ways. I experience Heaven moments with Ivy. But jeeeeeweeez is her Hell version quite something.
Ivy says she chooses me.
Sitting in the dark once they are both asleep the cloud of emptiness covers me and how isolated I feel. The pressure on parenting is consuming. Situations like this is when I really feel so lonely being a single parent .
I made choices and I stand by them to this day.
But its hard. Soul destroying at times.
Everything changes- this phase is a shade with great depth which allows growth.
Painful growth.
So anyone out there that reads this ( I don't know how you will find this) and wants to share or relate I would love to hear from you.
Love & Blessings
I would not be writing so soon but I felt it was so poignant.
I was in pieces after last nights storm. Being alone in the parenting game and worrying about the rights and wrongs of my actions.
I put myself to bed in the most loving way possible and let it go.
A new day tomorrow.
Thankfully Omelia woke her usual hour and got some sleep.
I needed to practice what I preach and not ooze dread.
Ivy will only feast on that and dreadful it will be.
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Today has been so lovely. Do not get me wrong.
I checked in with myself.
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Tone of voice
Do not attempt anything -that if interrupted causes me to get really hot and start boiling with irritation.
Remembering she is 3
and to breath.
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Ivy didn't cry once today!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh she did when she didn't let me wipe her face and ran off causing her to slip and whacked her head to the floor.
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Annoying but we cuddled.
So when you are in the thick of it and feel totally out of control.
Flip the fuck to FLIP and know that everything changes.
Love & Blessings
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Flip the Fu*k To Flip
Everything Changes
Mirror Reflection
I adore this photo. For so many reasons.
Firstly because we made it. The last time I was in this room I was pregnant and unsure Omelia would survive pregnancy let a lone major surgery when she was born.
I said to Tara what a joy Omelia is to hand over because she doesn't cry. When I returned she was smiling and the pulling the saddest little mouth, then smiling.
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Omelia was mirroring my emotions. A few little bubbles and quite rightly so.
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Once I had settled on my mat little Om went to sleep. I had found myself and traced my steps to guide me.
I felt disconnected and very uneasy.
The regular taste of the time for me is wanting to curl in a ball and cry.
I feel starving for so much. Comfort, contact to be understood and heard.
I feel today have brought up a lot and it has taken me to another part of my healing.
Probably like most. If so then I am not alone and that is something.
Because right now I feel very alone.
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I felt alone when I had Ivy - and I was alone.
I have Ivy and Omelia now so I am not literally alone however I do not expect a 3 year old to meet my emotional needs however much I feel like my capacity in controlling it, is like a 3 year old.
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This is one of the reasons I created MummUs Earth. Parenting is hard and all of my friends that have partners have expressed this deep longing, loneliness and heart ache even though there is an ocean of love filing you daily by your beautiful new life you created.
The sharp divide is some what confusing.
A hormonal rainbow ride that takes you plummeting to hell.
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I have more to write but I am tired and need to watch Suits to unwind and digest what I am feeling.
Its all pleasure- no guilt at all.
Speak soon.. Love & Blessings
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