Today I shared about my late brother Stewart. Looking at this photo makes me sad for so many reasons.

The human mind is so clever- how we manage to cope. Looking back I feel addiction is your body trying its hardest to capture and grasp ANYTHING to help the pain and discomfort.

The pain the has risen finding this & has brought up so many mixes of feelings and memories. 

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My family, Stewart.... his name on the tip of my tongue I feel my heart tilt like a ship in the sea about to capsize. And I take a deep breath to resurface.

Its a fine life on what is survival and avoidance. Allowing yourself to feel without justifying.

Its dark and its shit. The End.

I can smear a shimmer upon this anytime. When you feel , its so important to allow it to run through.

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The whaling that comes from a place hidden but with so much weight its overwhelming it takes you back, once you hit the crescendo the relief is where you can come to normalise and ripple the 'out of control feelings' and simmer to a place of healing.  

11 years on I still go through this. It can't be fixed. Through time you heal. I know that when I feel it coming I need to let go and honour the sadness, the infinite abyss .. a life time of healing.

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During my brothers last year, I was so ill.  I crossed over my eating behaviours to survive.

I used to care for my brother through the nights and share a room with him administrating his medicine.

There is 18 years of using and to be honest they all end up in the same place. Chaos.

Whether it was food, drink, drugs or self harming. There would be a rave of emotions wanting to destroy every cell of my being. I had a deep dislike and hate towards myself and I was so angry. Every situation I did not deal with, where I felt let down, abandoned, abused. I internalised it and punished myself. I felt restricting food put me in a zone of control and that is what I needed when everything was out of my control.

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I feel addiction is so complicated. I have recently researched and saw a lot of the hash tags and common chat between sufferers.

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In my own experience cradling my addiction fed my illness. Its an individual disease however sharing experiences,  another may identify and feel they are not crazy & feel relief that there is a path to freedom.

 

Its being honest with yourself- You can have Recovery- Or you can stay being the Victim.

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I feel tired with hearing about the doom and gloom. I have had many life experiences that some would not have the scent of in a life time. I have do have the good stuff & there is so much love & joy.

I often wonder why this has all happened. Enough enough I cry. But I strongly believe that now I need to write and write and tell you about it all.

Addicts use every reason to use. Good days and the bad days.

You can go through the darkest and powerless experience and not pick up. 

I have had some pretty low days and I will share how I managed- but I didn't relapse. 

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I must sleep. I make one wish, that there is a few words that comfort you from a far & you know that you are not a lone.

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Love & Well Wishes

x

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