Addiction & Recovery

MummUs Earth

Page Title

March 18

I cannot believe a year ago I experienced a scan every mother dreads...

The hauling still rings in my ear when she told me I may need to terminate or have a stillbirth.

Today I was waiting for Omelias cot to arrive. A stage I was dreaming about. At the time I blocked out all baby planing, clothes..accessories. What is meant to be an exciting time was evacuated my thought process. Only now when I look at baby paraphanalia I feel starved from the joy.

I have been frozen. Only through what I am feeling now can I scan and reflect back to how I was treading carefully through her life in utero, every test, scan and appointment, birth, surgery.

Looking at Omelia either in a scan or as a tiny baby with a protective shield, only till now the vail has shifted.

The Cot that broke the Ice

Grandmama Smith is over from Spain and has been staying which has been so lovely but she sadly is not well. So she has been pretty stationary.

When the Peter Jones Van arrived I whisked the girls in with Granny which was all ok! ha!

I closed the door with love, Granny in bed armed with toys and spoons for om so I could focus & concentrate building the cot.

The D.I.Y mama becomes ignited. Excited to finally get closer to creating the Little Womens bedroom.

I then get my superwomen vibe that I can do it all myself and get my shit together as I start to feel unsettled.

I often have the pangs of single parenthood when entering milestones alone wishing it was shared with their dad. My parents have been amazing sharing through whats app or face time moments and this time my mummy was caring for the Smithlettes in my room.

The last piece to put in and I notice the cot was faulty....It was such a build up to full down & crumble.

Supermama nose dived.

There seems to be so much happening around Items breaking, from the buggy, cars to money being stopped and then my cot after successfully so nearly putting it together.

Saying goodbye to the moses basket ast 7months was a tick that i got my moneys worth but that Omelia is here and we are hurdling high onto the next phase.

I didn't plan the nursery, I didn't plan anything incase Omelia didn't survive. You don't have to be particular to want everything to be ready for your little ones joining you earth side. Being an OCD Control freak A star + is just an extra punch in the face. I feel I have digs at my self that I am not prepared, disorganised & have nothing in place 7 months in. Let alone being on a very tight budget making the best out of 2nds and re creating.

I need to remind myself of what happened let alone the stages you go through with babies and another pixie.

Carrying a baby thats survival was unknown and percentage was low. Each stage been warned that this time was crucial and to be prepared for a stillbirth.

I was in court battling custody for Ivy while 37 weeks pregnant. There seemed to be no time to grieve a relationship, to decide to go through with my pregnancy solo, to then accept the journey alone through traumatic circumstances.

It was all based around being powerless on the well being of my babies.

If you are a Mama you know you go through this daily - without excess baggage.

I am struggling to write this to be honest but I know I need to share that through the lows there doesn't have to be a grand sentence, a justification.

After seeing my spiritual healer and teacher. Who I had not seen since Omelia was born- teased many feelings I had contained. I am grateful I am releasing them.

My chest feels bruised. Omelia survived.

The cot episode broke the last frozen layer to allow the feelings to disperse.

I have seen new beautiful babies or expecting mamas and a tidal waves hits me. I am aware of memories and what is only natural feelings. Yet I am very mindful I did not process anything till much later, a coping mechanism.

The old self would play the victim and that is a place I do not wish to be.

Its a fine line, I feel I have been so hard on myself to get on with it.

Life is moving fast and I need to sit down and find stillness. I have a habit to hover not absorbing 100% content around me. Which is what kept me sane for many months, I need to soften and remould.

As she is getting stronger and tests are positive, I am re sewing my foot steps.

Making sure I am allowing myself to heal rather than feeling I am playing catch to make perfection.

This is not real life and through all these dips and cracks I am learning more & more about myself which I will touch on soon enough.

This is has been a cathartic process & found an honest note of acceptance so Thank you & hope this has made sense..

Be kind to yourself allow yourself time...x

About Starlet

I am Holistic Healer. I work through Movement & Breathe.

Dancing together.

I encourage discovery, to bring to light & invent your bespoke wellness.

Tapping into all areas of wellbeing.

Cleansing your Mind, Nourishing your body & connecting you to your spiritual GPS .

Creating a frame work to illuminate harmony to your day to day lives.

Get in touch

I am not religious yet I believe in a power greater than myself..

March 9th

Today I shared about my late brother Stewart. Looking at this photo makes me sad for so many reasons.

The human mind is so clever- how we manage to cope. Looking back I feel addiction is your body trying its hardest to capture and grasp ANYTHING to help the pain and discomfort.

The pain the has risen finding this & has brought up so many mixes of feelings and memories.

My family, Stewart.... his name on the tip of my tongue I feel my heart tilt like a ship in the sea about to capsize. And I take a deep breath to resurface.

Its a fine life on what is survival and avoidance. Allowing yourself to feel without justifying.

Its dark and its shit. The End.

I can smear a shimmer upon this anytime. When you feel , its so important to allow it to run through

I was so ill here. I crossed over my eating behaviours to survive.

I used to care for my brother through the nights and share a room with him administrating his medicine.

There is 18 years of using and to be honest they all end up in the same place. Chaos.

Whether it was food, drink, drugs or self harming. There would be a rave of emotions wanting to destroy every cell of my being. I had a deep dislike and hate towards myself and I was so angry. Every situation I did not deal with, where I felt let down, abandoned, abused. I internalised it and punished myself.

I feel addiction is so complicated. I have recently researched and saw a lot of the hash tags and common chat between sufferers.

In my own experience cradling my addiction fed my illness. Its an individual disease however sharing experiences, another may identify and feel they are not crazy & feel relief that there is a path to freedom.

I feel tired with hearing about the doom and gloom. I have had many life experiences that some would not have the scent of in a life time. There is so much love & joy. I often wonder why this has all happened. Enough enough I cry. But I strongly believe now that I need to write and write and tell you about it all.

So if you have found me and you are in active addiction desperate for help and can't find the courage to call a friend - write- we are so blessed to hide behind a screen and type. Get in touch. Or email me x

Light a candle for a loved one.....x

March 6th

The challenge I struggle with is patience.

Allowing things to unfold without interfering.

A little example in my life now - is my body & practice. I am far from my handstands (above). Yet I know my strength has been refined and rebuilt. I look forward to the New Handstand. Before Creating this Positive Title. I picked and bullied myself loosing my practise- doing the all time No NO- comparing

Recovery still taps & tickles into all the rawness on repeat. Its how you choose to respond and manage your reactions & your actions to treat the wound.

Sometimes I need to massage and remould my thinking. Addiction is a mental illness and we can get drawn into the old stories and get lost.

Its about listening to the whisper the quieter voice. Than the militant bellow you are used to hearing.

Change the volume levels.

There is always a choice.

Deciding what you do is where the invitation is to change.

I was so used to thinking and feeling to the zones of self destruction and selfstabage. It was the destination and my go to area.

I get asked often how did I change direction & rewrite the internal dialogue. Turning over the script.

It most certainly did not come easily. It took me years and years trying every short cut and re routing so I could continue using my behaviours. Whether it was with food, drink or drugs.

I would collaborate and redesign so many conconctions to make it sociably acceptable.

Anorexic was obvious, bulimic welcomed integration only diving deeper into desperation.

I needed to make a commitment 100% for this to sink in deep & stay.

I have wanted to write about this for a years... The time has come where there seems to be opportunity.

MummUs Earth

Addiction & Recovery

Page Title

March 18

​

I cannot believe a year ago I experienced a scan every mother dreads...

The hauling still rings in my ear when she told me I may need to terminate or have a stillbirth.

Today I was waiting for Omelias cot to arrive. A stage I was dreaming about. At the time I blocked out all baby planing, clothes..accessories. What is meant to be an exciting time was evacuated my thought process. Only now when I look at baby paraphanalia I feel starved from the joy.

I have been frozen. Only through what I am feeling now can I scan and reflect back to how I was treading carefully through her life in utero, every test, scan and appointment, birth, surgery.

Looking at Omelia either in a scan or as a tiny baby with a protective shield, only till now the vail has shifted.

​

The Cot that broke the Ice

Grandmama Smith is over from Spain and has been staying which has been so lovely but she sadly is not well. So she has been pretty stationary.

When the Peter Jones Van arrived I whisked the girls in with Granny which was all ok! ha!

I closed the door with love, Granny in bed armed with toys and spoons for om so I could focus & concentrate building the cot.

The D.I.Y mama becomes ignited. Excited to finally get closer to creating the Little Womens bedroom.

I then get my superwomen vibe that I can do it all myself and get my shit together as I start to feel unsettled.

I often have the pangs of single parenthood when entering milestones alone wishing it was shared with their dad. My parents have been amazing sharing through whats app or face time moments and this time my mummy was caring for the Smithlettes in my room.

The last piece to put in and I notice the cot was faulty....It was such a build up to full down & crumble.

Supermama nose dived.

There seems to be so much happening around Items breaking, from the buggy, cars to money being stopped and then my cot after successfully so nearly putting it together.

​

Saying goodbye to the moses basket ast 7months was a tick that i got my moneys worth but that Omelia is here and we are hurdling high onto the next phase.

I need to remind myself of what happened let alone the stages you go through with babies and another pixie.

Carrying a baby thats survival was unknown and percentage was low. Each stage been warned that this time was crucial and to be prepared for a stillbirth.

I was in court battling custody for Ivy while 37 weeks pregnant. There seemed to be no time to grieve a relationship, to decide to go through with my pregnancy solo, to then accept the journey alone through traumatic circumstances.

It was all based around being powerless on the well being of my babies.

If you are a Mama you know you go through this daily - without excess baggage.

​

I am struggling to write this to be honest but I know I need to share that through the lows there doesn't have to be a grand sentence, a justification.

​

After seeing my spiritual healer and teacher. Who I had not seen since Omelia was born- teased many feelings I had contained. I am grateful I am releasing them.

My chest feels bruised. Omelia survived.

The cot episode broke the last frozen layer to allow the feelings to disperse.

I have seen new beautiful babies or expecting mamas and a tidal waves hits me. I am aware of memories and what is only natural feelings. Yet I am very mindful I did not process anything till much later, a coping mechanism.

The old self would play the victim and that is a place I do not wish to be.

Its a fine line, I feel I have been so hard on myself to get on with it.

​

Life is moving fast and I need to sit down and find stillness. I have a habit to hover not absorbing 100% content around me. Which is what kept me sane for many months, I need to soften and remould.

​

As she is getting stronger and tests are positive, I am re sewing my foot steps.

Making sure I am allowing myself to heal rather than feeling I am playing catch to make perfection.

This is not real life and through all these dips and cracks I am learning more & more about myself which I will touch on soon enough.

This is has been a cathartic process & found an honest note of acceptance so Thank you & hope this has made sense..

​

Be kind to yourself allow yourself time...x

​

​

About Starlet

I am Holistic Healer. I work through Movement & Breathe.

Dancing together.

I encourage discovery, to bring to light & invent your bespoke wellness.

Tapping into all areas of wellbeing.

Cleansing your Mind, Nourishing your body & connecting you to your spiritual GPS .

Creating a frame work to illuminate harmony to your day to day lives.

I am not religious yet I believe in a power greater than myself..

March 9th

Today I shared about my late brother Stewart. Looking at this photo makes me sad for so many reasons.

The human mind is so clever- how we manage to cope. Looking back I feel addiction is your body trying its hardest to capture and grasp ANYTHING to help the pain and discomfort.

The pain the has risen finding this & has brought up so many mixes of feelings and memories.

​

My family, Stewart.... his name on the tip of my tongue I feel my heart tilt like a ship in the sea about to capsize. And I take a deep breath to resurface.

Its a fine life on what is survival and avoidance. Allowing yourself to feel without justifying.

Its dark and its shit. The End.

I can smear a shimmer upon this anytime. When you feel , its so important to allow it to run through

​

I was so ill here. I crossed over my eating behaviours to survive.

I used to care for my brother through the nights and share a room with him administrating his medicine.

There is 18 years of using and to be honest they all end up in the same place. Chaos.

​

​

I feel addiction is so complicated. I have recently researched and saw a lot of the hash tags and common chat between sufferers.

​

In my own experience cradling my addiction fed my illness. Its an individual disease however sharing experiences, another may identify and feel they are not crazy & feel relief that there is a path to freedom.

​

​

​

​

So if you have found me and you are in active addiction desperate for help and can't find the courage to call a friend - write- we are so blessed to hide behind a screen and type. Get in touch. Or email me x

​