At my 20 week scan 18th March 2016 everything drastically changed. I found out that Omelia had a growth at the base of her Spin.

​

Sacrococcygeal teratoma.

Her survival was unknown for the duration of the pregnancy with many risks along the way.

I had to take each day at a time.

​

1 /12000 babies born a year have this condition.

​

This was for a reason and I needed to work with it.

​

My first reaction was to end the course. One very important RULE I learnt when getting sober is that I must not react on my first feelings and sit with it.

​

What do you do? Sit in a really shitty situation and rot in it?

OR ROCK the shit out of it.

​

​

How did I get through it? I learnt how to skim........ if I thought too much I would sink. I had to be there for Ivy.

Ivy my darling evergreen that kept me going in so many ways. Pregnancy is a big deal all by its magical self let alone anything else getting involved.

​

Some days felt like I was lost at sea. The week I had a scan and found out the tumour was growing at a steady rate and the blood feeding the tumour was low was information to keep me going for the next 3weeks like provisions. 

I was then left, lost and searching for the horizon, not knowing where we would end up.

​

I found it difficult to share. Being told 'she will be fine'. Felt somewhat insulting and hurt so much I became defensive and I hated feeling like that. The old Katie would have loved the drama and playing the victim so I found it so hard to accept the crippling self. The pain was gutting.Friends who text and said 'thinking of you and if you need me, I am there' comforted me so much.

​

When situations are difficult you leave and avoid associations. I was pregnant and carrying Omelia. I couldn't run and hide.

Everywhere I went the reminder was within me. I was helpless and could not do anything for her. Was she in pain? That  thought then led me to think about what she looked like. My heart felt exposed and skinned alive.

Every day I felt as helpless as an astronaut in space that would die if his helmet was lifted. I felt robbed in the excitement and preparation to our grand meeting. 

​

The only way I can explain this feeling was the power, the force was within me. I was carrying Omelia when actually she was carrying me. This is when I got busy in a healthy way. I felt passionate about what I was creating. The concept changed through the days, weeks and months of my pregnancy, its organic and beautiful. I had to stop at times. Shut down the computer as I didn't know if Omelia would survive. There were so many obstacles The Day To Day pregnancy , her making it through The birth, a Major operation removing a 400g tumour and now ......... her tumour markers going down.

SHE SURVIVED!!!!!!!! I am  crying and I have cried and cried writing this because I have had to cork so much emotion. The skimming served its time but I need to heal.The wreckage after the storm.

 

Omelia is 15 weeks and in recovery. The best way for me to describe where I am at is that I have been drowning, I get air time and then my head is back under water with the suffering and turmoil whether the tumour will grow back or if she will be incontinent. I need to work with this on a daily basis but I cannot let it consume me and rule my life. Anything else could happen. Therefore I must embrace what is with me today 2 beautiful little girls that love very much.

​

What I have learnt along the way is writing it out. Sharing it out. A while ago I did not understand personal shares on Social Media. Now I do. I have also realised not having a partner to share this with has left a massive gap.

One that no one can fill. I am learning how to deal with this and today I have found that time with Omelia alone is where our hearts will heal. 

Silence is golden.

Words cannot always cushion what we experience.

I feel Time and connection can.

​